Hometown: Garrison, New York
Born in a pescetarian restaurant overlooking the 1994 Grand Prix in Monte Carlo, Simon Close is the rightful heir to the throne of the European microstate Monaco. However, Prince Albert II—seeking to avert the fulfillment of a prophecy hidden in the margins of Tacitus’ Germania, foretelling an alliance between the illegitimate successors to Europe’s three great principalities that would bring about global warfare and a new Eurasian superstate—had the baby placed on a cargo ship headed for the eastern United States. Days later, he was discovered in New York by a young dock worker who would have adopted Simon himself, but was at a point in his life where he was trying to focus on his career and just didn’t feel he could “do the dad thing” at the same time—and if Jessica couldn’t understand that then maybe they really ought to spend some time apart and figure things out, even though he knew she was the best thing that had ever happened to him and even though he’d been carrying an engagement ring in his pocket for what must be, god, six weeks now? While the young man thought about his rapidly aging Nana’s wish to see her only grandson married to a “nice girl,” Simon was placed on a northbound Hudson Line train, where a loving couple found him and raised him as their own. Over the holidays the family would visit Maine. There, on one fateful trip, Simon stumbled upon Tony Antolini ’63, foraging for prospective Meddies beneath the Bowdoin Pines. Tony immediately and mistakenly recognized in Simon a potential for musical greatness. He eventually taught him to be a basically competent singer and thus an above par Meddiebempster. Simon remains ignorant of his royal pedigree.
Today, Simon is an ardent advocate for the timeless brilliance of English singer, multi-instrumentalist, songwriter, and producer Jeff Lynne. By his adopted parents, he is a dual citizen of the United States and the United Kingdom, which has recently cultivated in him a profound distrust of democracy’s merits, subconsciously catalyzed by his bloodline. He rarely spells exercise correctly on the first try. Simon does not believe in denial, once forgot the fifth of November, and has written in former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore on the ballot of every election in which he has participated.
Simon is the Meddies’ current business manager and interim music director—positions to which he was appointed not for any particular savvy, but because, while studying abroad for the year, he was the only one unable to decline.
For the group’s upcoming spring break tour, he would like to organize a trip to the European Principality of Andorra—for reasons unknown to him.