{"id":3853,"date":"2022-02-01T13:22:25","date_gmt":"2022-02-01T18:22:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bowdoinreview.com\/?p=3853"},"modified":"2022-02-01T13:22:25","modified_gmt":"2022-02-01T18:22:25","slug":"the-warped-love-languages-of-the-bachelorette","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/students.bowdoin.edu\/bowdoin-review\/television\/the-warped-love-languages-of-the-bachelorette\/","title":{"rendered":"The Warped Love Languages of the Bachelorette"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

The first date is supposed to be about love languages. At the start of the second episode of the sixteenth season of The Bachelorette<\/em>, nine men follow a trail of heart stickers to some unused alcove of the Palm Springs La Quinta resort where 39-year-old Clare Crawley, their leading lady (for the time being), gazes down at them from a makeshift castle tower \u00e1 la Romeo and Juliet. The host, Chris Harrison, bids each man to \u201cspeak to Clare\u2019s heart\u201d as a test of their competency in the first language of love: words of affirmation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Given that they\u2019ve only just met the woman, on a reality TV show no less, there\u2019s not much to affirm. Some of the men interpret the task as a college interview or perhaps a networking event and launch into an elevator pitch about their own strengths. Army veteran Ben gives a long-winded spiel on his propensity to \u201cchoose the harder path over the easier one\u201d which he prefaces, bizarrely, with \u201cfrom my heart to yours, Clare.\u201d The next suitor gestures towards a painful past, enigmatically referencing the many layers that he \u201cjust can\u2019t wait to peel back\u201d with Clare (\u201cbe that onion!\u201d she replies encouragingly). Others boldly try their hand at gassing up a woman they just met, their limited vocabulary producing awkward statements like \u201cwhen I saw your energy and your spirit\u2026\u201d Riley gets points for dramatic flair, composing a couplet about the Bachelorette complete with a kiss on the hand. Front-runner Dale rounds off the challenge with a rambling speech concluding with the utterly meaningless statement, \u201cI am who I am, and I\u2019m here,\u201d which he delivers with a smug grin as if it matched the Shakespearian quality their setting evokes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A cut back to the tower shows our Bachelorette utterly giddy, as if she can\u2019t quite believe her luck. The tragicomedy reaches its apex when Clare tears up, remarking, \u201cIt\u2019s been a long time since I\u2019ve heard such kind things from men.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before the Bachelor <\/em>franchise, there was Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire<\/em>, a reality TV-special that sought to combine what FOX exec Mike Darnell identified<\/a> as the two \u201chuge American dreams:\u201d \u201cwinning money\u201d and \u201cgetting married.\u201d Its structure mimicked that of a beauty pageant, pitting 50 women against one another in swimsuit and question-and-answer competitions for the prize of marriage to a wealthy man, whom they only saw in silhouette. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Investigations shortly after Multi-Millionaire <\/em>aired revealed that the lead, Rick Rockwell, was a domestic abuser with a restraining order filed against him by a previous girlfriend. It was unlikely that he was really a multi-millionaire, or even a millionaire, journalists speculated<\/a>, citing his ordinary-sized house with a discarded toilet in the backyard. While modern-day dating shows have evolved in the decades since, this program provided the template for the disturbing combination that still defines its successors: a doggedly romantic fa\u00e7ade concealing an utterly empty interior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Looking at the photo of Rockwell and his chosen bride (who sought an annulment shortly after the honeymoon), his rictus grin and manic gaze, I am struck by what feels like the most disturbing and bizarre feature of the reality dating show premise\u2014how uncritically it selects someone to hold up as worthy of unquestioning, idealistic love. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Producer Mike Fleiss laid low for two years after the Multi-Millionaire <\/em>fiasco before pitching the concept for a new show in which one guy dates 25 women and proposes to one. The Bachelor <\/em>premiered on ABC in 2002, to widespread acclaim. The show codifies the conventions of heterosexual courtship with its own lexicon: a relationship progresses from group dates to one-on-ones, then meeting the family (\u201cHometowns\u201d) and \u201cOvernights,\u201d complete with time alone in the \u201cFantasy Suite,\u201d all designed to culminate in a proposal. Each episode, the women vie for a rose, signaling the Bachelor\u2019s decision to keep them around for another week. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

These reality dating shows trade less in romance than in female vulnerability. Host Chris Harrison\u2019s signature superlative\u2014\u201cmost dramatic season ever!\u201d\u2014is earned by heavily anticipated \u201ccatfights,\u201d outbursts, and zoomed-in, heavily-mic’d footage of contestants in tears. The supervising producer of The Bachelor <\/em>reportedly<\/a> incentivized producers with $100 rewards for catching women crying or puking on camera. Fleiss is on record for telling Entertainment Weekly<\/a>: \u201cIt\u2019s a lot of fun to watch girls crying. Never underestimate the value of that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In 2019, the Bachelor Nation YouTube account published a video under the title \u201cMost EPIC Bachelor Breakups & Breakdowns EVER!\u201d It\u2019s four and a half minutes long, and it\u2019s mostly clips of women crying. Some of them sob so hard they can barely breathe. One lies with her head on the tiled floor, wheezing. She says she\u2019s having a panic attack. Often the women are trying to get out of the shot, covering their faces with their hands and hunching down. But the camera always follows. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The censor box, also known as the \u201cBlack Box of Shame,\u201d appears fairly frequently on Clare\u2019s season of The Bachelorette<\/em>\u2014but not in the context you might expect. Three of the first five group dates revolve around a variation on a traditional sport in which the men are instructed to compete in a state of partial, occasionally near total, undress. The most daring producer brainchild comes in the second episode, in the form of the novel \u201cstrip dodgeball.\u201d The losing team of men progressively strips off their shirts and shorts before finally doffing their jockstraps in a grand romantic gesture and heading back to the resort in nothing but their sneakers. The Black Box of Shame does overtime, only to be put to work again a few weeks later for \u201csplash ball\u201d (Bachelor-<\/em>speak for water polo) in too-small Speedos, followed by a shirtless wrestling match next episode in which the men oil up to fight over the jubilant Bachelorette. \u201cThis is a girl\u2019s dream, honestly,\u201d she quips. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chris Harrison introduced<\/a> the pilot episode of the gender-swapped version of The Bachelor <\/em>as \u201cthe first time in TV history\u201d that \u201ca woman has all the power.\u201d Indeed, The Bachelorette<\/em> often gives the impression of an alternate universe in which women rule. Or rather, one woman rules. The men by and large regard their leading lady with a sycophantic devotion, pursuing her affections single-mindedly and without demur since before even meeting her. Group dates with the Bachelorette require the suitors to humiliate themselves on a regular basis, chugging cow intestine and water scorpion smoothies, performing musical numbers, and, of course, stripping naked in her name. The ritualized vulnerability continues in the constant bids for the men to disclose past traumas, whether at a candlelight dinner with the Bachelorette or into a microphone in front of a live audience. A state of self-abnegating worship is considered a moral baseline, any variation from which is swiftly and severely punished; a contestant from a previous season who had insulted Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe for being \u201cshallow\u201d literally begs forgiveness on his knees during the Men Tell All<\/em> special. The show uncritically endorses the practice of throwing oneself upon the altar of the Bachelorette as the truest form of love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 —<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After hearing of the strip dodgeball date, contestant Yosef Aborady declares he has something he wants to get off his chest. \u201cI\u2019m not gonna back down from anyone, including the Bachelorette,\u201d he declares in a talking head before pulling Clare aside. The date concept was one of several red flags for him, he tells her, deeming it \u201cclassless\u201d and \u201cimmature.\u201d As Yosef lectures Clare with all the self-importance and condescension of a preacher at the pulpit, the pretense of civility eventually becomes unsalvageable. \u201cYou\u2019re not setting the right example for my daughter,\u201d he chides. \u201cI\u2019m ashamed to be associated with you.\u201d After several failed attempts to interject, Clare finally cuts him off. \u201cI would never want my children having a father like you.\u201d \u201cBelieve it, you\u2019re not fit<\/em> to be a mother of my child,\u201d Yosef retorts. As he retreats, he hurls insults in his wake. \u201cI expected way more from the OLDEST BACHELORETTE in history!\u201d he taunts, cupping his hands around his mouth. \u201cRemember, you\u2019re almost 40! Hey, she\u2019s all yours, boys.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yosef joins the ranks of the many Bachelor<\/em> and Bachelorette<\/em> contestants who for one reason or another end up getting the villain edit. 2011 Bachelorette <\/em>contestant Bentley Williams makes it clear in his interviews that he doesn\u2019t care about the lead, nor does he find her attractive, but he continues to string her along while regularly disparaging her to the camera. \u201cI\u2019m gonna go make Ashley cry. I hope my hair looks ok,\u201d he says in a particularly damning talking head. More common\u2014almost ubiquitous in present day seasons\u2014are the men who go on the show hoping the publicity will give their career a boost, often leaving behind girlfriends on standby back home. The trend that emerges is striking: whereas female villains are condemned for their desperation, their competitiveness, their too-aggressive pursuit of the Bachelor, men on the show are more likely to turn traitor. Aside from the typical post-breakup spite, they open up another possibility: that all the hand-kissing and flattery will suddenly mutate into disdain. Or, even more disturbingly, that it will reveal itself as empty from the beginning. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

After Yosef storms out, Dale intercepts a crying Clare. She receives his bland words of support with such anxious gratitude it\u2019s painful to watch. \u201cLiterally all I\u2019ve ever wanted is a man like Dale who\u2019ll come over and protect me and make sure I\u2019m ok,\u201d Clare says tearfully in a talking head. She seems almost incredulous that one of the men came to comfort her, though that seems like the baseline of what you\u2019d expect from someone kissing your hand and professing an intent to marry you. \u201cWhy are you so perfect?\u201d she gushes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In 1996, psychology researchers Peter Glick and Susan Fiske published a paper<\/a> on a concept they called ambivalent sexism theory. They observed that the way the genders relate to each other is paradoxical. On the one hand, as the dominant group, men historically (and presently) hold more power and status than women, and they justify their continued privilege by viewing themselves as superior. But heterosexual men also depend on women for love, sex, and domestic labor. This intimate interdependence creates a tension\u2014men want to maintain their position of power and keep women in their place, but they need to have positive intimate relationships with women. Therefore, sexist ideology must function to maintain the power of men while allowing for, even encouraging, heterosexual intimacy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ambivalent sexism theory suggests that two types of sexism complement each other to achieve this goal: hostile sexism and benevolent sexism. Hostile sexism refers to ideas that are easily identifiable as anti-feminist\u2014anything from \u201cwomen are stupid and crazy\u201d to the more subtle \u201cwomen are sexually manipulative, conniving, whiny, etc.\u201d Benevolent sexism is much more socially acceptable and harder to condemn. It represents women as beautiful, fragile flowers who deserve protection and adoration from men. Think of your classic chivalry\u2014women are purer and more moral than men, therefore they need to be cherished, make sure you tell them they\u2019re beautiful every day. (On Michelle\u2019s season, which is airing right now, one of the group dates has the men act like schoolchildren, riffing off the Bachelorette\u2019s profession as a teacher. \u201cHow many times is it acceptable to call me beautiful in a day?\u201d she asks the class. They all answer \u201cinfinity.\u201d) The researchers found that this paternalistic praise doesn\u2019t conflict with overtly sexist hostility \u2013 they go hand in hand. Benevolent sexists, more often than not, are also hostile sexists. \u201cHostile sexism provides the threat and [benevolent sexism] the solution. Ironically, fearing men\u2019s hostility can drive women straight into men\u2019s arms seeking protection… from other men.\u201d (When Chris Harrison comes to console Clare, he reassures her: \u201cthat\u2019s the great thing about this\u2014you\u2019re going to find a guy that\u2019ll protect you and never let somebody speak to you like that.\u201d) A hit Motown song<\/a> in the 1970\u2019s includes the lyric, \u201cI would kiss the ground she walks on, cause it\u2019s my word, my word she\u2019ll obey.\u201d It\u2019s so absurd and disturbing, this farce of respect for the purpose of subjugation. Like kneeling in worship of a woman but kneeling on her neck. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the 2005 \u201cAccess Hollywood\u201d tape<\/a>, all you can see for a while is the outside of the bus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Billy Bush: <\/strong>Sheesh, your girl\u2019s hot as shit. In the purple.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trump: <\/strong>Whoa! Whoa!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bush: <\/strong>Yes! The Donald has scored. Whoa, my man!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trump: Yeah, that\u2019s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know, I\u2019m automatically attracted to beautiful \u2014 I just start kissing them. It\u2019s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don\u2019t even wait. And when you\u2019re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bush: Whatever you want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trump: Grab \u2019em by the pussy. You can do anything. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bush: Uh, yeah, those legs, all I can see is the legs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trump: Oh, it looks good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But the part I find most disturbing is when they get off the bus. The actress the men had spotted welcomes them both politely. She has no idea they\u2019ve been gawking over her, objectifying her, discussing the prospect of sexually assaulting her. \u201cHello Mr. Trump,\u201d she says, \u201cpleasure to meet you.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

On each season premiere of The Bachelorette<\/em>, the men arrive in separate limos. Sometimes they dress up in a costume or do some gimmick trying to get laughs, but most of them just walk out and say something like \u201cyou look absolutely beautiful.\u201d The Bachelorette is always tickled. But I\u2019m always wondering what they\u2019re saying before they get out of the limo.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In an \u201cunprecedented\u201d twist, Clare is smitten with Dale by episode four and doesn\u2019t want to continue with the remaining men. She\u2019s hyperventilating with the anxiety of whether Dale will get down on one knee (of course the woman isn\u2019t allowed to propose), and her relief when he finally does pop the question is palpable. They jet off on a blissful honeymoon. (Clare and Dale broke up for the second time this September.) Not to worry, Chris Harrison tells the remaining men, who are feeling a little cheated at this point. \u201cGentlemen, your new Bachelorette is on her way here right now. That\u2019s right, you guys have a brand-new Bachelorette.\u201d (Note the language of possession and the direction it goes.) The woman that walks in is Tayshia Adams, a bubbly phlebotomist from California. The men are instantly smitten. One of them exclaims: \u201cI like her way more than Clare already!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Clare was made out to be a bit of a desperate cougar on The Bachelorette<\/em>. It\u2019s easy to ridicule her earnest sentimentality, the ways she gushes over men doing the bare minimum. I myself found her desperation cringeworthy and alienating. But what was her sin, really? In my weaker moments, I can confess to the same vulnerability: wanting to hear kind things from men; wanting to believe them. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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